Some people think the only reason to abstain from sexual intimacy prior to marriage… would be religious.
But, for MANY practical reasons…
including:
for the overall well-being of future generations… who could be engendered (conceived) in sexual intimacy… ie. avoiding pregnancy in a non-optimal environment for children
to avoid ever seeing a child as a “failure” of birth control
to avoid any potential of a man feeling “trapped” by a pregnancy
to avoid the possible, horrible feeling of being broken up with / abandoned by someone after you’ve completely opened yourself up sexually
for the immunological health of the man and woman
for the emotional & psychological well-being of the man and woman… their mental health
for the social & spiritual well-being of the families of origin of the man and woman
to look forward to a marriage with someone of equal discipline and sense, and to offer your future mate your best judgment
for the financial security & stability of the man and woman
for the continued quality of friendship of the man and the woman, and also for their other friendships
for the continuity of development of the other pursuits of the man and woman, like work, education, hobbies, intellectual & cultural activities
because while abstinence is not popular, you believe in choosing the BEST outcome, not the common outcome, and confidently navigating any difficulty, if it’s for a good cause
for the clarity of mind that we need to discern who may make a great mate for us (avoiding the huge flood of oxytocin that clouds our objectivity & bonds us to WHOMEVER we get sexual with)
… remaining abstinent outside of marriage is the ONLY practical approach to sexual intimacy.
LET’S EXPLORE MORE ABOUT A MAN’S FREEDOM TO COURT &
A WOMAN’S FREEDOM TO BE COURTED:
If a WOMAN really wants a man to be FREE EVERY DAY to keep CHOOSING to continue to develop his romantic interest in her, rather than ever feeling forced to remain if he’s inclined to discontinue, she should avoid allowing any sexual involvement to influence the man’s selection of and pursuit of a woman for marriage. It feels MUCH better to know that the man pursuing you REALLY wants to be with you for WHO YOU ARE, in an overall sense — NOT because of what he can “get” sexually.
It can be very confusing for a man who “kinda likes” a woman, if she keeps the door open for sexual involvement. He won’t see a need or reason to break off the relationship with such a woman, even if he strongly desires to pursue other women. If he doesn’t truly want to be with you, unless & except for “receiving” sex, it’s not in your best interests to have him with you!
What might trick you into believing it’s better for you that he remain involved with you although he doesn’t love you just for your good company alone??
Your NON-FRIEND: Oxytocin. [Oxytocin can be a rather sneaky opponent, outside of marriage. It can encourage you to stay vulnerable and open to a man who does not care much about your well-being. Within marriage, sex can encourage a man's sense of love and generosity towards his wife. Outside of marriage & commitment, a man tends to think much more of his own interests & satisfaction; and adding sex into the dynamic exacerbates this tendency.]
If you EVER IN YOUR LIFE want the PHENOMENAL experience of being courted by a man who has genuine interest in you as a person, you need to close off sexual intimacy with any and all men, period. Psychologically healthy men who are genuinely interested in you as a person will NOT pursue you if they sense that you are emotionally, romantically, or sexually involved with another man, with another suitor. A man with good, serious intentions will want your attention! He will want to get to know you, and he’ll hope that you’ll WANT to get to know HIM. If you’re distracted by involvement with another man, YOU WILL NOT BE FREE to attend to a great suitor and free to fully be yourself and fully engage his attention. It’s a TURN-OFF to a well-intentioned man to discover that the object of his affection is not emotionally or socially available to be courted. Plus, if YOU’RE not FREE emotionally, you won’t be able to freely and fully appreciate the positive attention coming to you from an interested man. You’ll miss the fun, excitement, and intrigue of COURTSHIP. You’ll miss the romance. You’ll miss the wholesome rush and any potential blessings that could come your way through courtship. You’ll miss the chance to develop your confidence in his reasons for appreciating you.
If you skip courtship, and move into sexual intimacy prior to marriage, it could become very difficult to know with certainty whether his love is full and authentic. You won’t easily discern if he is trustworthy.
Courtship provides ample opportunity to discover all these important things — these things which are indispensable to a long, healthy, happy male/female relationship, and ultimately marriage.
Fortunately, whether and how much a man desires a woman… or a woman desires a man… is not a static thing. It’s a thing in motion and development. Individuals are either interested in pursuing or being pursued at any given moment, or they’re not, but this can CHANGE. And that’s a good thing. OUR CONDUCT can effect an increase or a decrease in a person’s interest in us. Give each person of the other gender a chance to show what he or she is made of… what he or she brings to the table… brings to their relationships… learn how they face conflict and contradiction… OVER TIME. See if your interest increases or decreases. See what you like and what you do not like about the person. Weigh whether anything you don’t like about the person is surmountable or tolerable… or if it’s actually a deal-breaker — ALL BEFORE SEXUAL INVOLVEMENT.
Many women express a concern — a fear that no desirable man will stick around and court them if they don’t provide sexual involvement. What many women don’t know is that for a well-intentioned man, a woman’s ability to say NO is actually a NECESSARY quality for him to grow in respect for her and to see her as a potential wife. He wants a woman who consciously and for good reasons DECIDES to accept his attention and DECIDES to accept HIM as a potential mate. Every time you say NO to sex, but YES to spending more time getting to know him… is time he knows you are choosing HIM above other men. This is such a great feeling to a well-intentioned man. Do NOT underestimate how good this feels. It is VERY affirming, at a very basic level.
You saying NO to sex, but YES to another date with him… openly assuring that you are indeed interested in him, inspires him to keep bringing his best to the relationship, so he can get to the next step… so he can KEEP your attention and stay in your good graces. A good man wants to be seen as a good man. YOU help him rise to HIS best potential, by accepting only quality, wholesome attention, and rejecting low-level attention. We ALL have effects on one another. NOT ONE of us is perfect, but YOU get to determine whether a man consistently brings you his best efforts, or whether when he’s around you… he allows himself to be ruled by his worst motivations… YOU provide the decisive factor in this dynamic, by YOUR CHOICE NOT to engage in sex outside of marriage.
By telling a man this, you also let a man know that Marriage is indeed part of your future panorama. In my experience, men treat “marriageable” women better than they treat women who don’t believe in marriage. YOU imply HOPE by believing in marriage. You imply HOPE in MEN. You communicate that you believe that he can be a good person. You BELIEVE in him. That feels great.
If you disparage the institution of marriage, you are implying that either you or he, or both of you, are not capable of or worthy of such dedication and growth and love which marriage necessarily involves.
There is a Culture of Life, and there is a Culture of Death. Within the culture of death, one finds despair, desperation, depression, anguish, despondency, disappointment, discouragement, bitterness, selfishness, fear, grief, negativity, bullying, isolation, decay & hopelessness. Within the culture of life, one finds energy, love, encouragement, healing, self-sacrifice, trust, heroism, tenderness, positive words, confidence, growth, connection, health, dedication, and hope.
In Nature, a healthy man will choose a mate who represents to him a Culture of Life.
Embody these characteristics of LIFE, and LIFE-LOVING men will be making a good choice in selecting you as a mate.
sex, obsessive-compulsive behaviors like cutting, picking, hair-pulling or thumb-sucking, and playing video-games.
